Spirit, Fall afresh on me
I have forgotten what it is to need
All the fitness He requires is to feel your need of Him
I won't need anything but You
So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I was ashamed
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
Oh the glory when He took our place
and we'll be like torches together
keep me burning til the break of day
Like joy was something you could touch
I wrap it around me
Like a blanket
It's just You, me and the moon
I want to skip like a stone from a stronger arm
I'm ready to give up the fight
cause I'm just a stone right after You're gone
[Sufjan Stevens-Casimir Pulaski day, Romulus; Anathallo-Genessaret; Mewithoutyou- Torches together; Blindside- Shekina, After You're Gone; Abigail Stauffer- Calamity; Traditional- Come Ye Sinners Heavy Laden; traditional- Give me oil in my lamp; Switchfoot- Spirit; Jennifer Knapp- Martyrs and Thieves; Jars of Clay- Frail]
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Sheltered
Walking home on a weekend 2 a.m. is always a bad choice. How do I forget this?
I like to think of myself as capable, independent, sufficient. It's not that I don't like to receive help, but I definitely don't like to ask for it. I always thought there was too much hoopla about walking girls home at night. Especially walking back to East Quad, I consider myself an exception from the "It's not safe" bracket. I mean, it's all public space, lit streets, cops on every corner, right?
Drunkenness, it seems, leads to unusual thought processes, and the voicing of these thoughts. I don't want to hear what they are thinking. Walking two blocks was like walking the gauntlet, between bars, between conversations, swerving to avoid sudden staggers, and trying my hardest to pretend I didn't hear when they were talking about me. Why were they talking about me when there are girls everywhere? Did I look too sober? Backpack, ugly sweatshirt, hurried steps. Why did he start to follow me? His attention span only lasted for a few seconds anyways and I was lost in the mob waiting in line for backroom pizza.
It was such a relief to see a few HMCC seniors outside of Pizza House. But even upon returning to my own room, I hadn't escaped the gauntlet. Curtains closed, light on, I was sitting on my bed to journal a bit. The sidewalk is not far from my ground floor window, and I could hear the conversations of passersby. I could hear as they stopped at my window. Noticed MY lamp in the window. Started shouting at ME. Someone came up and pounded on the glass, saying obnoxious and disgusting things through the screen. I felt like I couldn't move. From the sidewalk his friends shouted 'she probably just wants to read.' I guess my curtains don't do much. He left eventually.
I know my three older brothers are so protective. Some of my friends are too. It's a privilege to have that shelter, that protection. I'm not familiar with feeling unsafe. It's not that anything could have happened tonight, but I just longed for that shelter, for that person who could say "she's with me" so I could truly ignore whatever anyone else said.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust"... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart... You will not fear the terror of night... no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;" Psalm 19
Addendum: UM DPS Crime alert #4- last night a female student was sexually assaulted by the west hall arch, and again by cc little by the same guy. Dps says
* Look assertive and be aware of your surroundings.
* Walk with a trusted friend or co-worker when possible.
* Trust your intuition. If a particular situation makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, choose an alternative.
Don't worry don't worry, I will walk home with someone from now on. It's just a wake up call to myself and any ladies reading.
I like to think of myself as capable, independent, sufficient. It's not that I don't like to receive help, but I definitely don't like to ask for it. I always thought there was too much hoopla about walking girls home at night. Especially walking back to East Quad, I consider myself an exception from the "It's not safe" bracket. I mean, it's all public space, lit streets, cops on every corner, right?
Drunkenness, it seems, leads to unusual thought processes, and the voicing of these thoughts. I don't want to hear what they are thinking. Walking two blocks was like walking the gauntlet, between bars, between conversations, swerving to avoid sudden staggers, and trying my hardest to pretend I didn't hear when they were talking about me. Why were they talking about me when there are girls everywhere? Did I look too sober? Backpack, ugly sweatshirt, hurried steps. Why did he start to follow me? His attention span only lasted for a few seconds anyways and I was lost in the mob waiting in line for backroom pizza.
It was such a relief to see a few HMCC seniors outside of Pizza House. But even upon returning to my own room, I hadn't escaped the gauntlet. Curtains closed, light on, I was sitting on my bed to journal a bit. The sidewalk is not far from my ground floor window, and I could hear the conversations of passersby. I could hear as they stopped at my window. Noticed MY lamp in the window. Started shouting at ME. Someone came up and pounded on the glass, saying obnoxious and disgusting things through the screen. I felt like I couldn't move. From the sidewalk his friends shouted 'she probably just wants to read.' I guess my curtains don't do much. He left eventually.
I know my three older brothers are so protective. Some of my friends are too. It's a privilege to have that shelter, that protection. I'm not familiar with feeling unsafe. It's not that anything could have happened tonight, but I just longed for that shelter, for that person who could say "she's with me" so I could truly ignore whatever anyone else said.
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust"... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart... You will not fear the terror of night... no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;" Psalm 19
Addendum: UM DPS Crime alert #4- last night a female student was sexually assaulted by the west hall arch, and again by cc little by the same guy. Dps says
* Look assertive and be aware of your surroundings.
* Walk with a trusted friend or co-worker when possible.
* Trust your intuition. If a particular situation makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, choose an alternative.
Don't worry don't worry, I will walk home with someone from now on. It's just a wake up call to myself and any ladies reading.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Where did the time go?
Every year brings unique opportunities. There are always a pile of friendships and relationships that will never be the same again. Maybe this is a phenomenon more specific to dorm life. Regardless, it's easy to find myself wishing I had another semester to be with the people I've met this year, and to reach out to them. Especially East quad residents. Some are moving out, some are transferring... time is short. Opportunities to reach out are like sand slipping through my fingers and some chances are already gone.
I just pray that God is able to use the opportunities I did not miss. Agh. I am so thankful that He pursues people for their entire lives, because I seem to be incapable of doing so for more than a few weeks. A few years at best.
I just pray that God is able to use the opportunities I did not miss. Agh. I am so thankful that He pursues people for their entire lives, because I seem to be incapable of doing so for more than a few weeks. A few years at best.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The ties that bind
Lately I've been feeling tension. It's astounding how quietly it slips in, hardly noticeable at first, but then I am bound by it. Tension because of expectations. Relationships. Academics. Emotions. Insecurities. Authorities. Indecision. Anticipation. Insufficiency. Uncertainty.
I got an email from a professor about some obscure assignment. He emailed the attachment, and it looked like it was written in code. I could not understand it at all. He wrote again later:
Hey all,
Sorry, I've been sending the wrong msg to the wrong class,
ooooooooouchhhhhhhh, my bad. Disregard msgs to anything called "IBM"
Mark
When I got this email it was like one of the ropes snapped and tension released. I suddenly noticed just how many ropes were wrapped around me.
Ruth Lin always tells me about good tension and bad tension. This is the bad kind. The kind of tension that comes from self reliance and doubt. I know that my tendency is to wait for every single rope to snap, and for every situation to be resolved. And by then, there are so many more. Constant tension. But there is a better way.
"But the LORD is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked." Psalm 129:4
"I'm in peace, I feel sweetly released from all that I couldn't let go." - Priscilla Ahn
I got an email from a professor about some obscure assignment. He emailed the attachment, and it looked like it was written in code. I could not understand it at all. He wrote again later:
Hey all,
Sorry, I've been sending the wrong msg to the wrong class,
ooooooooouchhhhhhhh, my bad. Disregard msgs to anything called "IBM"
Mark
When I got this email it was like one of the ropes snapped and tension released. I suddenly noticed just how many ropes were wrapped around me.
Ruth Lin always tells me about good tension and bad tension. This is the bad kind. The kind of tension that comes from self reliance and doubt. I know that my tendency is to wait for every single rope to snap, and for every situation to be resolved. And by then, there are so many more. Constant tension. But there is a better way.
"But the LORD is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked." Psalm 129:4
"I'm in peace, I feel sweetly released from all that I couldn't let go." - Priscilla Ahn
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I solve writers block by writing
I’m having a hard time writing this paper. So many things on my mind. Excitement. Regret. A splash of nostalgia. A pinch of longing. A plethora of peace tainted by apathy. I could (I do) fill up journals with my thoughts. I could (I do) write lengthy emails to my friends, my family, my hall, my life group. I could converse all day. But these three pages are slippery and elusive.
I love the feeling of sunlight through these windows, and the sounds of George Winston playing Korean Folk Songs.
A note to self (and anyone else who cares): Don’t try so hard to be someone you’re not. Don’t analyze so much what others are thinking of you. They’re probably not. They have a lot of things on their mind. With a few exceptions, most people are just longing for the same thing you are- for attention, acceptance, approval, validation, a hope and a future. Care for strangers like you care for your friends. Just because you don’t know their story doesn’t mean they don’t have one.
I'm ready to write a paper now.
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