Life in transit

"It seems like I'm behind on everything but this moment."

I've been thinking a lot lately. Giving my brain a good workout. I'm processing... everything. Adjusting from life on Summer Missions, jumping back and forth between Ann Arbor and home and counting down the days before East Quad move in (t minus 11 days). I've been living out of my car for nearly a week, and today I am simultaneously unpacking and packing.

Music has returned to my life, or perhaps I have returned to music. Spontaneity is also here for the moment. I am wallowing in this freedom to go where the wind takes me. Somehow I find myself at the Washtenaw dairy in deep conversation, then kayaking down the river and chasing ducks, then getting my toenails painted by fellas. What I love the most is that there is time to be there for people. I can offer rides, help people move, sit and talk, teach guitar, say a prayer, or send a letter. I really want to make this a priority in life. I don't want to always be so busy that I can't be there for someone. Still, I am behind. I am wading through a swamp of unreplied emails and trying to excercise wisdom in WHO I teach guitar to, WHEN to sit and talk, and HOW OFTEN I go floating down the river. Even writing a blog post feels like a guilty pleasure that should be put off until I'm not so behind.

My friend Eduardo: Be where you are
My friend Andrew: Finish what you started
A Disney movie : Keep moving forward
Another Disney : Just keep swimming


"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..."

Life in transit.

Halfway through training

Do you ever put something off for so long that you can't bring yourself to do it?

Like writing someone a letter. Or finishing that project you meant to do a month ago. Or returning to church.

I'll confess, I still haven't finished that letter, and I've received 3 in the interim. What a jerk (me, that is). And I've put off/ forgotten about writing in a blog, posting pictures on facebook, posting songs on youtube, or sending any kind of update to the world about my existence for months now it seems.

Honestly, there is SO MUCH to say, but I am too tired right now to say it. I just wanted to jump one of those many hurdles, to overcome the activation energy and just post SOMETHING. Just something.

Synopsis:

Missions training is amazing. I am becoming a new person.
I had forgotten about the previous post, that I had written about desiring God above all else. Fortunately, I am truly growing in this area.
I am learning to cook, kind of.
I am forming new friendships left and right, and learning to be missional.
God is directing my paths. I am recovering my spontaneity. I never know what a day will bring, but I am certain that God is taking my availability and making much of it. Yesterday I went from slacklining with strangers to doing someone's dreadlocks to listening to a seminar about islam- none of them were planned in advance.
I am still afraid to write songs, but I'm getting in the habit of climbing over hinderances. I like climbing.
I have reconsidered the importance of obeying the law regarding climbing on buildings, playing in parks after dark, and jumping into rivers from railroad bridges. No absolute conclusions yet, but no illegal actions either.
I stay up too late and wake up wonderfully early.
I have unlimited texting. I love my brother.

I floss regularly.

Day #1: Missions Training

Day #1: Missions training

I will confess, I had nervous thoughts anticipating missions training. Early morning prayer, would I be late? And what about the fact that the morning between 8 and 10 is so beautiful, and we would be stuck inside of a basement with minimal light and an unexciting view?

Well, for today at least, I was awake. Not only that, but I was so blessed to go far beyond the basement. Pastor Andrew brought us to his favorite place in Ann Arbor. I was so pleased when we arrived. Obscure parking lot. Random trail. And then this glorious view:

This morning was so peaceful, and I felt so near to God in watching the mighty waters, the peaceful lake, the birds, the sun.... stillness and tumult living beside each other like neighbors. I could go on about today- frisbee and running, Ypsilanti evangelist and grocery shopping, being the frozen food fairy, eating Indian food, farewells to departing seniors, showing up places I don't even expect to find myself. Now I am at New Life. I am thankful for my unexpected life, and for this time in which God has chosen to leave me unemployed. It is a blessing.

Excerpt from my friend's prayer letter:

"I was challenged by the realization that sometimes God's answer to our prayers is not a tangible solution, but simply His presence."

"Serving God in Africa is sometimes my greatest desire, when really God Himself needs to be my greatest desire."

May God be my greatest desire. And yours as well.


*Photo Courtesy of John Blair, ganked from Flickr

Don't forget the lyrics

Spirit, Fall afresh on me
I have forgotten what it is to need
All the fitness He requires is to feel your need of Him
I won't need anything but You

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I was ashamed
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
Oh the glory when He took our place
and we'll be like torches together
keep me burning til the break of day

Like joy was something you could touch
I wrap it around me
Like a blanket
It's just You, me and the moon

I want to skip like a stone from a stronger arm
I'm ready to give up the fight
cause I'm just a stone right after You're gone


[Sufjan Stevens-Casimir Pulaski day, Romulus; Anathallo-Genessaret; Mewithoutyou- Torches together; Blindside- Shekina, After You're Gone; Abigail Stauffer- Calamity; Traditional- Come Ye Sinners Heavy Laden; traditional- Give me oil in my lamp; Switchfoot- Spirit; Jennifer Knapp- Martyrs and Thieves; Jars of Clay- Frail]

Sheltered

Walking home on a weekend 2 a.m. is always a bad choice. How do I forget this?
I like to think of myself as capable, independent, sufficient. It's not that I don't like to receive help, but I definitely don't like to ask for it. I always thought there was too much hoopla about walking girls home at night. Especially walking back to East Quad, I consider myself an exception from the "It's not safe" bracket. I mean, it's all public space, lit streets, cops on every corner, right?

Drunkenness, it seems, leads to unusual thought processes, and the voicing of these thoughts. I don't want to hear what they are thinking. Walking two blocks was like walking the gauntlet, between bars, between conversations, swerving to avoid sudden staggers, and trying my hardest to pretend I didn't hear when they were talking about me. Why were they talking about me when there are girls everywhere? Did I look too sober? Backpack, ugly sweatshirt, hurried steps. Why did he start to follow me? His attention span only lasted for a few seconds anyways and I was lost in the mob waiting in line for backroom pizza.

It was such a relief to see a few HMCC seniors outside of Pizza House. But even upon returning to my own room, I hadn't escaped the gauntlet. Curtains closed, light on, I was sitting on my bed to journal a bit. The sidewalk is not far from my ground floor window, and I could hear the conversations of passersby. I could hear as they stopped at my window. Noticed MY lamp in the window. Started shouting at ME. Someone came up and pounded on the glass, saying obnoxious and disgusting things through the screen. I felt like I couldn't move. From the sidewalk his friends shouted 'she probably just wants to read.' I guess my curtains don't do much. He left eventually.

I know my three older brothers are so protective. Some of my friends are too. It's a privilege to have that shelter, that protection. I'm not familiar with feeling unsafe. It's not that anything could have happened tonight, but I just longed for that shelter, for that person who could say "she's with me" so I could truly ignore whatever anyone else said.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust"... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart... You will not fear the terror of night... no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;" Psalm 19

Addendum: UM DPS Crime alert #4- last night a female student was sexually assaulted by the west hall arch, and again by cc little by the same guy. Dps says
* Look assertive and be aware of your surroundings.
* Walk with a trusted friend or co-worker when possible.
* Trust your intuition. If a particular situation makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, choose an alternative.

Don't worry don't worry, I will walk home with someone from now on. It's just a wake up call to myself and any ladies reading.

Where did the time go?

Every year brings unique opportunities. There are always a pile of friendships and relationships that will never be the same again. Maybe this is a phenomenon more specific to dorm life. Regardless, it's easy to find myself wishing I had another semester to be with the people I've met this year, and to reach out to them. Especially East quad residents. Some are moving out, some are transferring... time is short. Opportunities to reach out are like sand slipping through my fingers and some chances are already gone.

I just pray that God is able to use the opportunities I did not miss. Agh. I am so thankful that He pursues people for their entire lives, because I seem to be incapable of doing so for more than a few weeks. A few years at best.

The ties that bind

Lately I've been feeling tension. It's astounding how quietly it slips in, hardly noticeable at first, but then I am bound by it. Tension because of expectations. Relationships. Academics. Emotions. Insecurities. Authorities. Indecision. Anticipation. Insufficiency. Uncertainty.

I got an email from a professor about some obscure assignment. He emailed the attachment, and it looked like it was written in code. I could not understand it at all. He wrote again later:

Hey all,

Sorry, I've been sending the wrong msg to the wrong class,
ooooooooouchhhhhhhh, my bad. Disregard msgs to anything called "IBM"

Mark

When I got this email it was like one of the ropes snapped and tension released. I suddenly noticed just how many ropes were wrapped around me.

Ruth Lin always tells me about good tension and bad tension. This is the bad kind. The kind of tension that comes from self reliance and doubt. I know that my tendency is to wait for every single rope to snap, and for every situation to be resolved. And by then, there are so many more. Constant tension. But there is a better way.

"But the LORD is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked." Psalm 129:4

"I'm in peace, I feel sweetly released from all that I couldn't let go." - Priscilla Ahn