Sheltered

Walking home on a weekend 2 a.m. is always a bad choice. How do I forget this?
I like to think of myself as capable, independent, sufficient. It's not that I don't like to receive help, but I definitely don't like to ask for it. I always thought there was too much hoopla about walking girls home at night. Especially walking back to East Quad, I consider myself an exception from the "It's not safe" bracket. I mean, it's all public space, lit streets, cops on every corner, right?

Drunkenness, it seems, leads to unusual thought processes, and the voicing of these thoughts. I don't want to hear what they are thinking. Walking two blocks was like walking the gauntlet, between bars, between conversations, swerving to avoid sudden staggers, and trying my hardest to pretend I didn't hear when they were talking about me. Why were they talking about me when there are girls everywhere? Did I look too sober? Backpack, ugly sweatshirt, hurried steps. Why did he start to follow me? His attention span only lasted for a few seconds anyways and I was lost in the mob waiting in line for backroom pizza.

It was such a relief to see a few HMCC seniors outside of Pizza House. But even upon returning to my own room, I hadn't escaped the gauntlet. Curtains closed, light on, I was sitting on my bed to journal a bit. The sidewalk is not far from my ground floor window, and I could hear the conversations of passersby. I could hear as they stopped at my window. Noticed MY lamp in the window. Started shouting at ME. Someone came up and pounded on the glass, saying obnoxious and disgusting things through the screen. I felt like I couldn't move. From the sidewalk his friends shouted 'she probably just wants to read.' I guess my curtains don't do much. He left eventually.

I know my three older brothers are so protective. Some of my friends are too. It's a privilege to have that shelter, that protection. I'm not familiar with feeling unsafe. It's not that anything could have happened tonight, but I just longed for that shelter, for that person who could say "she's with me" so I could truly ignore whatever anyone else said.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust"... He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart... You will not fear the terror of night... no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;" Psalm 19

Addendum: UM DPS Crime alert #4- last night a female student was sexually assaulted by the west hall arch, and again by cc little by the same guy. Dps says
* Look assertive and be aware of your surroundings.
* Walk with a trusted friend or co-worker when possible.
* Trust your intuition. If a particular situation makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, choose an alternative.

Don't worry don't worry, I will walk home with someone from now on. It's just a wake up call to myself and any ladies reading.

Where did the time go?

Every year brings unique opportunities. There are always a pile of friendships and relationships that will never be the same again. Maybe this is a phenomenon more specific to dorm life. Regardless, it's easy to find myself wishing I had another semester to be with the people I've met this year, and to reach out to them. Especially East quad residents. Some are moving out, some are transferring... time is short. Opportunities to reach out are like sand slipping through my fingers and some chances are already gone.

I just pray that God is able to use the opportunities I did not miss. Agh. I am so thankful that He pursues people for their entire lives, because I seem to be incapable of doing so for more than a few weeks. A few years at best.

The ties that bind

Lately I've been feeling tension. It's astounding how quietly it slips in, hardly noticeable at first, but then I am bound by it. Tension because of expectations. Relationships. Academics. Emotions. Insecurities. Authorities. Indecision. Anticipation. Insufficiency. Uncertainty.

I got an email from a professor about some obscure assignment. He emailed the attachment, and it looked like it was written in code. I could not understand it at all. He wrote again later:

Hey all,

Sorry, I've been sending the wrong msg to the wrong class,
ooooooooouchhhhhhhh, my bad. Disregard msgs to anything called "IBM"

Mark

When I got this email it was like one of the ropes snapped and tension released. I suddenly noticed just how many ropes were wrapped around me.

Ruth Lin always tells me about good tension and bad tension. This is the bad kind. The kind of tension that comes from self reliance and doubt. I know that my tendency is to wait for every single rope to snap, and for every situation to be resolved. And by then, there are so many more. Constant tension. But there is a better way.

"But the LORD is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked." Psalm 129:4

"I'm in peace, I feel sweetly released from all that I couldn't let go." - Priscilla Ahn

I solve writers block by writing

I’m having a hard time writing this paper. So many things on my mind. Excitement. Regret. A splash of nostalgia. A pinch of longing. A plethora of peace tainted by apathy. I could (I do) fill up journals with my thoughts. I could (I do) write lengthy emails to my friends, my family, my hall, my life group. I could converse all day. But these three pages are slippery and elusive.

I love the feeling of sunlight through these windows, and the sounds of George Winston playing Korean Folk Songs.

A note to self (and anyone else who cares): Don’t try so hard to be someone you’re not. Don’t analyze so much what others are thinking of you. They’re probably not. They have a lot of things on their mind. With a few exceptions, most people are just longing for the same thing you are- for attention, acceptance, approval, validation, a hope and a future. Care for strangers like you care for your friends. Just because you don’t know their story doesn’t mean they don’t have one.

I'm ready to write a paper now.

Thunder comforts

It's been 2 semesters but I'm still not comfortable "documenting" students for drinking in the residence halls. It's uncomfortable for everyone involved. There are many people that I should have documented in the past but haven't, especially my own residents. It's hard to get your friends in trouble. But they don't really listen to friendly requests. "Please stop drinking? Please?" It just doesn't do the trick. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let someone experience the consequences of their actions.

I'm sure I could apply this to God somehow. It seems that for the most part I don't receive any of the consequences for sin that I deserve. But I know that God isn't thinking to himself "If I punish Abbie, she'll love me less. So I'll just let her do it her own way." That is not love.

So many questions. Why is getting drunk wrong? Why is the drinking age 21? How can I reach out to someone who I am punishing? What good does it do to tell a resident "please don't drink in the dorms" but then to say nothing about the fact that they're on their way to a frat party?

When I walked back into my room after writing up the incident, I heard the rain falling and thunder rolling through. I felt immediately comforted at the sound. There's something so amazing about thunder and lightning; visual and aural evidence of power beyond my reach and outside of my control. Kyrie Eleison.

A 3 part compilation of thoughts and photos: the Florida Wedding edition. Batteries not included.

What a wedding. My first brother to get married. If I’m not mistaken, my family hasn’t vacationed together since my freshman year of high school when we used to go up North together. This wedding may not have been a typical vacation (it was quite busy), but it was so good to be together with my family, and for all of us to be momentarily removed from our ordinary stresses and tasks.

1. A new family

I’ve always thought about what it will be like to become part of another family someday when I get married, but I never really thought that I would be united with the families of my brothers’ spouses. This wedding/marriage has changed my mind about that. There were apprehensions of course. Coming from different parts of the U.S., different cultural histories, and just... being the Stauffers, how would we be received? All I can say is that we were received with open arms. I have a whole new set of brothers, grandparents, friends, and MY FIRST SISTER! I think it really hit when Tereva’s Grandma said “I have a beautiful family!” and we realized she was talking about us. It’s hard to believe that I was with them for less than 24 hours. I guess I'll just have to take a trip to Miami :D


2. Travel Companions

I love traveling with my papa. I respect him so much. It amazes me to see how much a person can change, even long after college. It’s very encouraging. Traveling with Daddy and Joan brought about many deep conversations, spirtually, intelectually, story telling, etc. I learned so much just from listening. I was also humbled by the way my dad is willing to change and learn- even to learn from his own children. And when Joanie and I were crazy, singing or dancing or making a scene, he wasn’t embarrassed. He either smiled and watched or joined in.


3. Synergy
I really appreciated the synergy between Theresa, Joanie and I. It was great being with them and getting dressed up every day. I observed that rather than feeling insecure because of how stunning they looked, I felt beautiful by association. It was great to just be so relaxed and comfortable together that we’d be wrestling one moment, and all of us asleep the next. Whether we were making a big ruckus together or praying together during car rides, I always felt restored when I was around them, and as my dear friend Ruth Gao says, they made it “easier to be me.”

Self reflection. Not quite 25 things.

I love change. Nothing excites me like a new opportunity, a new friend, a new perspective. I am hungry for intimacy. The problem with my love for new things is that it's hard to get to know someone really well when you're constantly jumping into more and more relationships and opportunities. "No" is not a word in my vocabulary.

I am a strange breed of pride and insecurity, stability and emotional rollercoaster, joy and somber reflection.

I love nature. I love the way the light seems to come from the ground instead of the sky on a cloudy day. When I feel wind, I feel God. When it rains, it takes a lot for me to not run outside and get soaked. My favorite switchfoot lyrics: "The stars are alive, they dance to the music of the deepest emotion, and all of the world is singing in time." I would rather go for a walk than sit in a coffee shop. I would rather worship God beside a river, on a hill, or up in a tree than inside of a building.

I don't know what I'm going to be 'when I grow up' but I know that I won't take any kind of standard route. I hope that I am never rich, or complacent.

I don't think I could marry a man if he wasn't: Adventurous, Affectionate, Missions minded, and Head over heels in love with Jesus

My personality is a product of my family, and I am so glad for it. I would not be as joyful, outgoing, free, feisty, creative, musical, strange, or comfortable if not for them. My family is so comfortable. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else... yet I think it is the perfect word to describe them.

I am absentminded. I lose most things that I don't break. I break most things.

I am a work in progress. In my many moments of frustration (with myself), I turn to the one who began a good work in me, and lean on His promise that he will bring it unto completion.

My all time favorite song: The Lord made your butt, so praise him with it